I have company for the first time in weeks. My best friend, Lissa, is over and sulking about yet another falling out with her parents. It’s not like I hate having her as company, but this happens way too often.
I’ve known Lissa only since junior high school, we became friends instantly one day when she sat down next to me at lunch. Back then she used to talk a lot more, and I used to be the quiet one. She’d tell me all these stories that she overheard in every which place, and the gossip she was sure was “so important I can’t tell anyone but you, Alexa.” As for myself, I was shy, couldn’t make any friends, and could barely speak up in front of the few friends I had. When Lissa came along I ended up being able to hold a conversation with her, and eventually we were always talking with each other.
As we made our way into high school Lissa began to having frequent falling-outs with her parents. She’d always come over after a quick phone call. It became like a routine. At school she’d always have on her fake smile, and talk it up with all our friends. I’d stay quiet and watch her, still just as shy as ever, wondering if she’d ever smile like she does when we laugh together.
Sigh.
I think we’ve gotten even worse since we started going to college. She ends up coming several times a week for the same reasons. Otherwise I’d usually end up alone for lack of ability to make any other kind of plans. Well, at least we have each other for company.

“Hey Lissa.”
“Hmm?”
“Wanna get away for a little while, just you and me?” I wonder why I’m suggesting this all of a sudden.
“S..sure, Alex!” She hesitated before saying that, just a little, “where to?”
“Somewhere out in the north, maybe near the border. Just far enough. There’s still a little bit of time before the break ends, and we’ve never really gone on a trip together, have we?”
“No, I don’t think we have.”
I don’t even hesitate to start packing. Lissa looks concerned, but says she’ll go home and quickly pack a few things too. We can’t just keep doing this over and over and over, Lissa can’t just keep falling out with her parents and having to go back to deal with them. Lissa needs to get away; I need to get away; We need to get away. I’m already pissed at myself, I have no idea where we’re going, but honestly, I don’t think I could care less. I hear the door shut. I wonder if she’ll really be back.

“Any idea where we’re going, Alex?” Lissa asks from the backseat, for the first time since we’ve set out, already wrapped up from head to toe in blankets. I don’t think she really cares where we’re going as long as she can stay like that.
“Yeah, a motel near the woods, up north.”
“Oh my god,” she winces playfully at my vague response, “that could literally be anywhere.”
“Okay, okay, I at least planned ahead that much, don’t worry,” I looked up at least one cheap place we could stay, “It’s called Evergreen Motel.” Lissa rolls her eyes at the name.
“How far’s it away from home?”
“Don’t worry, it’s only an hour or two out of the way. Take a nap if that’s too much for you.”
“I think I will!”
After she says that I feel a twinge of anxiety shoot through me and I suddenly feel uneasy about this whole trip. I don’t say anything to Lissa, but I can’t shake the feeling.
At one point when we were in traffic, she pulled out a notebook and began scrawling something down. Most people think it’s just some notebook, maybe for classes, but I know better. I know that’s her diary. A plain old notebook she’s had since middle school. She takes care only to write the essentials down, so for months at a time I’d never see her with it, and then one day she’d show up to school with it again, writing down something every time she got a chance to.


When we get to the motel, I tell her I booked room eighty for us, and she heads there straight away, taking some blankets, her suitcase, and that notebook with her. She doesn’t come back out while I unpack the car. I bring in the luggage and she’s just there, nothing unpacked, sitting on top of the bed, furiously writing away.
“Oh, hey Alex.” She says without looking up.
I want to ask her if she wants to do something, but I can’t bring myself to. What’s wrong with Lissa? Actually, what’s wrong…with me?

After she finished writing on the first day, she began to chat with me hours at a time, but as the days passed, she became more and more engrossed in her writing, and the distance between us increased exponentially. We spent the next few days just sitting in this room, doing our own thing, thinking our own thoughts. At times the silence was unbearable. I mean, my best friend since childhood now won’t utter even a few words to me! I want to die on the spot. I wonder if this is how I must’ve looked when I’d shut my mouth up for days on end to my “friends” back at school. I wonder if Lissa’s mad at me. I wonder...

“Is it Tuesday yet, Liss?” I ask, not really caring if I get a reply, “It’s gotta be Tuesday by now.”
I’ve given up on trying to preoccupy myself. My mind is dead, it’s been four days since we got here and nothing has come of it.
“No, Alex.”
I can hear Lissa scrawling something down again. Maybe she’s writing a novel in that diary of hers this time. I want to ask what’s possessed her to write more in these past few days than she has in the past several years, but--
“Hey, Liss, what’re you writing?”
Lissa doesn’t even bother giving me a look.
Damn it, what’s the point of this trip anymore. It’s only been a few days and we’ve done nothing but sit in this room since Thursday. I want this trip to end. Why did I ever suggest we leave everything? I wonder if she even told her parents. Damn it, she doesn’t even have their number in her phone. Damn it all. I drown myself in blankets, for the first time trying to avoid my best friend. She still doesn’t say anything, so I close my eyes and try to sleep.

The slam of a door opening wakes me. I look around the room--Lissa’s gone. I grab my coat and tried to follow her. Everytime I think I’m catching up and I see a glimpse of her, she disappears behind a corner. Where’s she going, damn it all. I follow her for what seems like miles.
“Damn it, Lissa, where are you going?” I ask myself, cursing even more under my breath. I can see glimpses of her pajamas between the trees, despite how dark everything is. I call out. I shout, but all I hear back are small laughing noises. I finally hit the side of hill. Lissa couldn’t have made it past this, but where is she? I scan the area--nothing. Where could she--”Hi Alex.” I jump with a shriek.
“Lissa!”
“You’re still clinging on, Alex.”
“...What?”
“To my pajamas, you’re still clinging on.” I look down and see that I’m gripping her sleeve with such force. I think I’m hurting her.
“Sorry Lissa I was just worried when you left and…” that isn’t what I should be saying, why is it even my business why she left, she’d come back, why wouldn’t she come back? Why--
“...aren’t you cold?” Lissa asks suddenly.
“I’m...well...No I’m not cold I have..”
Then I realize I’m in my pajamas; that I’m freezing. Lissa’s in her coat and she’s backed up against the wall. I have a thousand questions in my head, but instead of asking even one, I take her hand and run back towards the motel.

I wake up in a cold sweat.
“Lissa! Lissa!” I prop myself up and look around the room. Lissa isn’t anywhere to be found. My coat is on the door, my boots are still where they are. Lissa’s notebook is on the ground. I pick it up on reflex. It’s just a diary. I flip to the first entry:

Dear diary,
Today, I sat at the opposite end of the lunch table. I tried not to make eye contact with my “friends”, and I tried to shut out the noises! But nothing worked... I can’t take it anymore I don’t want to talk to those jerks! I don’t want to know them! I don’t ever want to see their stupid faces again. I don’t want to go to school anymore, I don’t want to hear what they’ll be saying about me right behind my back! But! But! But!
I did make a new friend today, so maybe we can just eat lunch together somewhere! Her name’s Alex! She had really friendly eyes! I think! And I think this was the first time I’ve seen her around school.. But we’re friends now, I think!


“This doesn’t make any sense. Why would Lissa write about me sitting down next to her? It was .. Lissa that sat down next to me!” I speak to myself in disbelief and utter confusion, “Right? There’s no reason for Lissa to write about something like that, besides when Alex sat down next to me, she’s the one who had ‘really friendly and big eyes’!” Yes, I agree to myself, Alex sat down, and I introduced myself as Lissa. That’s how it happened.
“Wait, wha-” But before I can finish the thought, I black out.

I silence the alarm clock before it rings and sit up in my bed. “Hrk.” I bend over slightly in pain. My chest suddenly feels heavy. I feel weird. The pain subsides and I stay sitting in my bed. Something’s different, I think. I feel...more whole? Much more whole than I have in months. I feel like I’ve just pieced myself back together somehow. I touch my face in shock and realize I’m sweating. It’s like I’ve had a bad dream. Maybe I have had a bad dream. I feel more like I’ve had some kind of journey, a long journey, and that I just got back and slept for three days. “Uuuoooh…my head..”
I look in the mirror. The eyes that look back at me in the mirror look familiar, as if they aren’t mine. An overly friendly gaze that doesn’t seem like my own. I shake off the feeling, yawn, and step out of my room for the first time in weeks and find my diary on the kitchen table.
“What’s this doing out here?” I flip through to the last entry:

Dear diary,

Alex went home today, I don’t think she’s coming back again... It’s okay though! I’m feeling much better than I have in a long time. Also I had a dream last night! I was at school, and those jerks from middle school were there again, but I smiled and walked past them! Hehehe, they looked so defeated to see me happy. I really hope I have that dream again!

“When did I write this? And who’s Alex I wonder…” I shrug, put the diary on my bookshelf, and decide to call up some friends who’ve been trying for ages to get me to hang out with them. I think I’ll finally take them up on their offer.
“The break’s going to end in a week, and I’ve done nothing but sleep!” I shake my head at myself, “Well, that’s going to end today!”