The cars in front of me seemed to be going in and out of focus. My thoughts were a jungle. I could not seem to focus on anything. I grabbed my beer bottle and took a slow long gulp. Putting the bottle back into the cup holder I continued to drive. In the distance about 10km away I saw a woman jogging on the side of the road. She had the same wavy brunette hair my wife had, put in a high ponytail. Oh how I missed her. Before my mind could even come up with a coherent thought I took another swig of my beer.

Tonight was the first night I had left the house in weeks. It felt nice to have the windows rolled down and smell the fresh air. I looked at the CD compartment and put in a random CD without giving it a second glance. At first only the soft playing of the piano could be heard. Then the song started playing and I immediately recognized it. It was the Beatles song ‘Hey Jude’. By the second verse I couldn’t help but sing-a-long to the lyrics.

All at once my emotions flooded through like a dam that had been broken. At the last line I couldn’t hold it in any longer and my eyes started tearing up. This was my wife’s favourite song. I had bought her this album when we were teenagers. I quickly stopped myself before my thoughts could further take me down memory lane. I looked down momentarily to grab my beer to numb all those feelings. Suddenly, when I looked back up I saw the women jump in fright and take a step to the left. I tried to move the car to the left but everything happened too fast. I pressed on the brakes, nothing happened. By the time she turned around to see my head lights it was too late. Not a sound escaped her mouth as the car hit her. CRUNCH. That was the only sound that could be heard as the car drove over her and crushed her bones.

I awoke abruptly. I was having the same nightmare every few months now. Every night I have been trying to forget what happened. I turned to my right to turn off the alarm that had been blaring. Just as I turned off the alarm the room was submerged in silence, I glanced at the picture frame on my night stand. I stared in admiration at my beautiful wife on our wedding day. She wasn't looking straight at the camera but her attention was caught by something in the distance. The picture wasn't posed or anything, it was natural. Her soft brown hair blew in the wind and her brown round eyes looked at the world with curiosity. My beautiful Arabelle, oh how I missed her so much.

Heartbreakingly her life came to an end about a year ago due to small pox. It was the greatest epidemic of our time and killed thousands of people around the world. In our small town of Picher Oklahoma, there used to be a population of 1000. After the small pox epidemic the number greatly reduced to about 119. Family, friends, neighbours and children all perished, leaving few survivors. Following that the water sources were found to be polluted causing many more people to move out of their homes.

Lost in my thoughts, I heard someone stir right next to me. I turned around to see my youngest daughter Hannah curled next to her doll. Just staring at her I could see the subtle features she shared with her mother. I lightly tapped her so she wouldn't be late for school. Down stairs I could already hear Camille and Felix getting ready.

"Hannah...dear, it's time to get up", I whispered.
Hannah just tightened the blankets around herself.

"C'mon honey, you're going to be late for school", I said louder this time as I took the blanket off her.

"Alright Daddy, can you pick me up?" replied Hannah sleepily.

"Sure thing, but hurry up in there you don't want to be late for your first day of school".

When she wasn't expecting it I started tickling her. After she was a little more alert I scooped her off the bed and took her to the bathroom. As she got ready in there I started getting dressed as well. While I was getting dressed I couldn't help but get caught up in my reflection. This past year had been a rollercoaster ride and it had clearly taken its toll on my body. After my wife's death I had put away my labor, and my leisure too and made my children a priority, only until recently had I started working again. My hair that used to be dark and bouncy with life, had now hung long and loosely around my face. My beard and hair where both disheveled and had way too many gray hairs. The bags that surrounded my hollow eyes resembled a tunnel with no light at the end of it. All my clothes hung loosely around my thin frame. My eyes wandered to the name tag on the left corner of my shirt. In fine print it read; Name: James Walker, Age: 36, Marital Status: Widow. Quickly averting my eyes I made my way down the stairs.

We all headed out of the house locking the door behind us. My car was at the construction site, so we began our way down the dirt road. As we passed the fields of gazing grain in silence, I noticed the streets were more deserted than usual with not an animal in sight. Although we lived in a rural area with a few houses in our neighbourhood, few people still milled around during the early mornings. But today it resembled a ghost town. All the schools in our town were on the opposite side of where we lived. There was about 86 people now living in this town and not a soul wandered the streets. We all noticed but did not think much of it as we continued to walk toward the schools.

"Okay Camille at the end of the day don't forget to wait for Felix and Hannah and walk together", I said.

"Dad Felix is 17, he knows the way home on his own", Camille replied exasperated.

"Hannah needs both her siblings to walk her home and its winter. The days are shorter and it gets dark early. I don't want any of you walking in the dark alone. Accidents can happen. These roads are not always safe."

“I’m in my 13th year. I'm supposed to be enjoying my last year, not babysitting my siblings", replied Camille angrily.

"We are not discussing this further. You are walking together from school and that's final", I said sternly. "Felix why are you so quiet? Are you nervous for school?"

"No. Just caught up in my thoughts", Felix replied eyes focused on the ground.

We arrived at the school. After saying our goodbyes we all departed our separate ways. Felix and Camille headed towards the high school and I walked Hannah to the neighbouring elementary school.

"Dad. I'm scared", Hannah said shakily.

"Sweetie there is nothing to worry about. Everyone is nervous for their first day of school. You know, that is actually where I met your mom. I was nervous and she welcomed me with open arms and let me hang out with her. The rest was history", I recalled fondly.

"Eww Daddy, I don't want to marry the first person I meet", replied Hannah with a disgusted look.
I laughed. "You don't have to. Anyone who wants to marry you has to get through me first. Anyways if you get scared I brought Lucy with you so you wouldn't be alone." I replied pulling out her rag doll from behind me.
Hannah's face brightened up as she saw her doll. She grinned and held it tightly.

"Oh, thank you Dad. I have Lucy now", replied Hannah.

Content with my quick thinking I walked her to her class and headed about 20 minutes away to the construction site where I worked at. The 11 other men I worked with were already hard at work. I greeted the guys and started to get to work myself.

"James, come take a look at what's on the news." yelled Walter from the second floor.

I put my equipment down and carefully made my way up the stairs. As I got closer I saw all the men crowded around the small black and white television set. I slipped in between the crack of two large men to get a better look. When my eyes laid sight on the television my blood ran cold. I curled my fists and my body turned rigid. There on the screen it read 'Breaking News', a body had been found in a river. The reporter was talking with the two teenagers that had discovered the body while taking a swim in there. They stood silently in the background as the reporter continued to bombard them with questions. The body was of a woman in her mid 20s with majority of her skin decomposed making the remains unidentified. Only a small piece of what looked like running shorts was found on the body. Her bones were at odd angles and the coroner reported that he believed she was murdered.

I turned around slowly and started walking towards the stairs one careful step at a time. It was difficult because with every step I was sweating profusely and twitching from head to toe. By the time my hand touched the cool railing someone grabbed my shoulder. I turned around and my eyes met Walter's blue ones.

"James, is there something wrong? You seem shaken up", asked Walter.

"No it's nothing, I just promised I would check in on Hannah. It's her first day of school today", I smiled weakly.

I turned around and rushed down the stairs before Walter could ask me any more questions. I came down the stairs and went out the door that stood ajar. I took a slow shaky breath and tried to gather my thoughts carefully. I went out back to see if my car was still there. I turned the corner and saw the shape of my Chevy Camaro hidden with a dirty blanket. With my wife in mind I grabbed the keys and went inside the car. To seek some of her comfort and guidance I headed towards her graveyard.

As I passed streets that no longer looked familiar to me, my mind was in chaos. The only thing keeping me focused and with an ounce of hope was the thought of my wife. Would she understand? Could she ever forgive me? I glanced at the time above the CD compartment, 2:45p.m. School ended for the kids soon but I had to go see her. The clock ticked slowly taunting me. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion. Tick. The light changed to red. Tock. An old woman started crossing the street. Tick. While walking in front of my car she dropped her bag of groceries. Tock. She bent down to go pick it up. After about two minutes of waiting I got fed up and unbuckled my seat belt to go help her. I quickly ushered her to cross the street and got back into my car. I continued to drive. Outside everything seemed to blend together and was a blur of colours.

As we passed the school, were children strove at recess, in the ring; I couldn't help but feel a flood of guilt wash over me. I saw a glimpse of my baby girl Hannah run by the field with her bright pink jacket. I could remember the day my wife and I had bought her that jacket, it was like it was yesterday. I wiped a stray tear as I looked into the central rear view window. She was still there. She stared at me not making a sound. Her face was emotionless, skin pale, eyes hollow. She continued to stare straight ahead. She had looked the same a year ago. The hair was the familiar brown but everything else was almost unrecognizable. Dried blood covered her body and her clothes were torn and dirty. The carriage held but just ourselves and immortality. Hesitantly I looked away and focused my attention back on to the main road.

I was getting close now. I could see the sign on the next street, in black bold letters it read Briarwood Cemetery. After a few wrong turns I finally found it. I turned back and she was still behind me. I got out of the car and looked for the familiar headstone with my wife's name on it. We paused before a house that seemed a swelling of the ground. I got down on my knees as I broke down and the tears started streaming down my face.

"I am sorry. Please forgive me. It was an accident... I was drunk", I wept.

I lost track of time and when I realized it was getting late I planted a kiss on the grave stone and walked solemnly back to the car. Once I got back inside I wiped the streaks of tears and looked at the rear view window, she was still there. I didn't even bother saying anything I was getting used to the silent company. I put the car on reverse and headed back into town. We passed the setting sun, or rather he passed us. I didn't know how I would be able to face my children. They were probably wondering where I had been all day.

Suddenly there was a flash of light and the squealing of tires. Before I could comprehend anything I felt an immense pressure on my chest. I tried as best as I could to get in some air but to not much avail. Slowly my breaths started to become more shallow and faint. My eyelids started to fall shut like curtains being drawn after a performance. Just before my eyes had completely closed I saw a glimpse of her. She smiled dauntingly and opened her mouth. Only to reveal a toothless grin and a silent laugh escaped. That was the last thing I saw before everything went black and all else was silent.

A hand gripped mines with such great force, I thought I might lose all sensation in it. The sound of sobs and hushed whispers could be heard over a loud beeping noise. With as much effort as I could muster I opened my eyelids. At first it was blurry but as my eyes adjusted I noticed I was laying down with a blue blanket. In front of me stood someone in a doctor's uniform holding a clip board while he talked to a woman with short black hair. I then looked to my right to see someone's head faced down and sobbing next to my hand.

"Ha-Hannah", I barely whispered.

She looked up at me with tears and mascara streaming down her cheeks. Her eyes wide in shock and her mouth gaped.

"Dad", she said as she hugged me tightly while she sat.

From in front of me I heard the doctor say, "I can't believe this myself, it is truly a miracle." As the woman who was talking to the doctor came closer I recognized it was Camille. Hesitantly she approached me, then finally she bent down and hugged me apologizing as she did so.

"What happened? Where am I? Where is Felix?" I asked confused.

Just then Felix walked through the door carrying with him three coffees. With his glasses on the bridge of his nose he looked a lot older and wiser. He was taller and he looked more muscular with the t-shirt showing off his arms.

"I got you guys all coffee. Camille they were out of Espresso, so I-", he looked up and his eyes finally settled on his father.

"Dad-"
Just then another doctor came through the door.

"Mr. Walker, it's nice to see you. My name is Dr. Harris. Do you know why you are in here?" he said looking up from his clip board.
I glanced at my children. "No, I don't really remember much."

"Well Mr. Walker, you got in a car accident on September 3, 1976. It is now June 18, 1982. You've been in coma for the past six years and you’ve been on life support because you were brain dead. You suffered a spinal cord injury, some fractures and internal bleeding. It is fascinating you are still alive. Your children must have been praying a lot because you were going to be taken off life support in about 10 minutes."

"Wow, that's a lot to take in. I'm not even sure exactly what happened that night."

"Dad I'm so sorry", Camille cried.

"It's not your fault I got into accident." I replied trying to comfort her.

"Not about that. For not listening to you and waiting for Felix and Hannah after school that day", said Camille as she wiped a tear away.
I looked at Hannah, her eyes were cast down. "What happened?"

"After school I was with my friends. I saw Hannah and told her to walk home with Felix. Little did I know that Felix was in trouble for getting in a fight at school. So Hannah walked home by herself."

"I know it was stupid, but I didn't want to bother Camille so I walked. I was on the same street the accident happened." Hannah paused. "Everything happened so fast. I tried to wave to get your attention but you didn't see me. Then all of sudden a huge truck hit you front on and the back of it swerved. It hit me and my legs got stuck under the tires."

"By the time the ambulance and the police arrived there was no hope for my legs. They said I would be paralyzed forever." Hannah finished.

I hadn't realized I'd been crying this whole time until I tasted a tear. I looked around the room and everyone was silent. Felix was still holding the coffees and his eyes studied the paneled flooring of the hospital. Camille was still crying and Hannah was just staring at me. The shock of it all didn't allow me to get out a full sentence. I didn't blame anyone but myself honestly. If I had been there none of this would probably have happened. Wrapped in my own guilty conscience I felt like my body was a shell.
The doctor interrupted my thoughts. "Sir, I can gladly inform you that after two weeks you can go back home. "
* Four weeks later *

After Felix parked the car, we all unbuckled our seat belts and got out. In the back seat Camille helped Hannah get out of the car. Together we went to my wife's grave. Each of us shared a fond memory of her as we gathered around her head stone. Hannah rested the daisies against the head stone and kissed it.

Before we left I told the kids to wait in the car while I took care of unfinished business that had been weighing down on me lately. I looked for a familiar name until I finally saw it. The roof was scarcely visible, but the name engraved in the headstone was clearly readable. On it in fine letters it read Laura Martin, loving daughter and sister. I recognized her name from the necklace she wore on that day and also the night it happened will forever be etched into my memory. When I said everything I needed to say I placed a single daisy on her head stone.
Once I got back into the car, Hannah asked me who I went to go see.

“A girl I once knew." I replied as Felix started the car and we drove off. Finally closing that chapter, I was determined to move on with my life and be the best father I could be for my children.