The pain that was left with me when everything had happened was unbelievable. People around me started to worry a lot about , I had begun to lose too much weight, I almost never came out of my bedroom, and I definitely didn’t talk or look as bubbly as I once did. The words that people told me ruined me, the broken expression I shared shattered the hearts of the ones who loved me when I couldn’t hide my pain and sorrow very well, other times I was great at hiding it.

A girl, only a young teenager, has gone through so much and still been able to smile at people and say I am fine… even if I really wasn’t. So what I lied sometimes, it was only to protect people from caring too much, I hated the thought of dragging people down with me.

“Hillary? You seem down, are you ok?” My friend asked me, I had sweat droplets forming on my face but I would never take off my sweatshirt, even in the hottest of heat, I knew it bothered a lot of people. In the summer I wore long shorts and always wore swimming shorts and never took them off for any reason, just to change to dry clothes. It is the 21st of June, the last week of school. It is 92 degrees outside. “How are you in a sweatshirt?” my friend Kathryn asked me walking through a trail in the woods that lead to a beautiful beach. I replied “I don’t know… I guess I’m a bit chilly today.”

She gave me a dirty look and then returned her face toward the ground. “You’re always cold. I don’t understand why you NEVER take off that sweatshirt!” Kat was very angry with me but she continued on. “Is something wrong? Should I try and get you help?” At this point I was angry, how could my best friend be this upset with me over a sweatshirt, it was my reason to keep it on and I wasn’t telling anyone! I got carried away and yelled at Kat. “Why are you always asking about my sweatshirt?!?!? I have reasons I like to wear it all the time ok!! Please stop asking about it… It upsets me a lot!” She just replied with a simple “Ok.” Then I walked back home.
The next day was the day that the freshman had our PE period. I wore knee-length baggy shorts and a normal t-shirt. I was so self-conscious. Kat had the same gym period as I did and I felt so awkward. At the end of the period I walked to the locker room changing quickly but I was too late… three girls had been staring at me. I knew why… the series of red lines up and down my arms drew too much attention. Kat finally asked me “What are those?” I shook my head, looked at the floor and very bluntly replied with… “I fell walking in the bushes yesterday… it was an accident.” Everyone stared at me and my “accidents.”

I walked home alone that day, I just didn’t feel right after humiliating myself in front all the girls in my PE class. I was confused about my feelings, I was angry because people saw the other side of me, I was sad because it was supposed to be a secret for just me, and most of all I was embarrassed to see what the next day would bring. Would I be made fun of? Would people whisper about me in the halls and give me dirty looks? I made myself panic and had an anxiety attack that I didn’t know if I’d come out of or not, but I just kept thinking of all the horrible things that could happen. I decided to drink a cool glass of water, take a shower, and then went to bed for a good night rest.

When I woke up the next morning I felt a little amused with myself, I woke up on the floor… This started my day pretty happily. I arrived at school for the second to last day at 7:27, my friends arrived a little later than that because they rode on the bus each morning. I sat at my assigned desk waiting for Kat to come in and sit two desks away from me at her assigned seat as well. 8 o’clock and Kat still had not arrived, I thought it very odd Kat wasn’t here yet, she had never missed a day of school, not EVER. Just then the bright red hair flown through the door screaming “I’m really sorry I am late today!! I got in a jam at the stoplight this morning!!” We all understood because we lived in the middle of the biggest city in our state, luckily at our school we didn’t have to technically be there until 8:05. Instead of saying good morning to me like usual, Kat glanced over, gave me a small but noticeable smile and then sat on the complete other side of the room. This made me guilty. “Do I scare you?” I accidentally said out loud really not meaning to… Everyone looked at me and I felt like the smallest person in the world at that moment. Kat looked furious… she yelled across the room, I was hoping she wouldn’t accidentally slip out my little secret. “What did you say to me?! I’m sorry if I haven’t talked to you this morning and that upset you! But seriously Hillary, why would I want to be friends with someone who makes scars all over her body for no reason?!” She stopped abruptly after she said that and gave me a pained look as if to say “I’m sorry that wasn’t supposed to happen.” I glared at her hard, and then left the room. I started to cry as I ran to the guidance office, the only place I knew of that nobody would be in or know where to find me. I cried hard that my so called best friend had blurted something so secretive out in front of our whole class of 219! I didn’t know what to do but stay there until eventually someone found me.

The last thing I thought was going to happen that day, had happened. My mind was extremely blurry, like trying to see out of a shattered window. I dragged myself back to the classroom and grabbed my stuff and took it to my locker. I left school at around ten, my mother didn’t care what had happened she just picked me up, dropped me off at home, and then returned herself to work.

I thought long and hard about if I should come to the last day of school tomorrow or not. I skipped out on supper that night and stayed up on my cell phone until 3:45 am then decided I should try and get some rest, but there was no use. I stayed up all night until my mother had come to find me already awake for school, I ended up not going. Kathryn apparently didn’t go to school either, because I checked my phone and had a missed call, a voice message, and a text message all from her. I listened to the voice message… nothing important there, so I checked the text and it read;

Hillary, I am sorry that I let out your secret… it was a bad thing of me to do. I just got so mad and it came out. I hope you can forgive me because I really didn’t mean it. I did skip school today and I know you’re not there because my mother said that your mom hadn’t left the house at all yet. I feel awful about what I said and I could completely understand if you never wanted to talk to me again after that, but please do know that I’m still your friend and that I AM REALLY SORRY.

This made me even more, angry than I was before, I didn’t know why. Maybe, it was because that she spewed my biggest secret to everyone and then had the audacity to text me that she was sorry for that! I was not going to forgive her very easily for this, it hurt me badly. I was wounded in the heart like a bullet had gone straight through it.

The day had progressed slowly, very slowly but it still went on. It became dark and I was still very sad and mad about what had happened so I cried again and again, then all at once with little light of the moon shining through my window in the ceiling, I had made more marks as a reminder of how much I was hurt, I have marked the outside of my body to kill the dark monster on the inside. My addiction had taken its complete toll on me.