I haven't been doing alright. It's been getting harder and I feel like the world is falling apart, my world is falling apart. I don't want to hurt, I don't want to cry. All I want is peace, is that too much to ask. My family is starting to give up on me and my best friend just looks sad or disgusted or maybe both when she looks at me. I don't blame her because I would look at me that way too. I keep replaying it again and again and again. I want to throw up every time I think about what happened, what was happening. It is never ending, the fear, the anxiety; I just want it to stop.
"Are you okay?" my mom asks as she keeps her eyes on the road.
"Yeah I'm fine, just thinking." I keep facing the window, watching the trees and the blurry lines on the street.
"What's on your mind? My mom asks. She quickly glances at me hoping to get a read on my mood.
"Nothing, really. I'm just thinking about life, as usual." I say keeping my face turned away still, I hope she decides to drop the conversation, but I should've known better.
"I'm not going to ask again. What are you thinking about?" she said. I want to tell her, but I don't at the same time. Plus how do I explain to my mom that every day I wake up disappointed that I actually have to get up and go through another day, that every time I look in the mirror I don't see a person anymore. I look in the mirror and cry out of shame and disgust with what I see in the mirror. They are trying, I know they are all trying to get in my head and figure me out and put together the broken pieces. They don't understand, though, I'm too far gone already and nothing can put together the shattered pieces.
"I told you! Am I just thinking about life you know?  I'm thinking about school, friends, and my future." I told her the truth technically. She wants more detail, but, for now, this is all I can give her.
"Fine." she says finally.
At school its worse, there's too many people all crowded into one place. The hallways are a nightmare. Everyone is surrounding me and I feel trapped. I have friends at school; at least, I think they're my friends. Sometimes I sit with them at lunch but sometimes I get in one of my moods and I make sure to distance myself as much as possible, I don't want to lash out at them again.
"You need to get out more, and meet people!" my friend says, scooping applesauce on her spoon. We are at lunch and sitting around the table with the rest of our little group.
"I don't really want to meet new pe—"
"You never know unless you try!" she interrupts. The thing is, I don't want to try.
"I'm not like you guys okay, I'm not pretty, I'm not outgoing, and I'm not funny." I tried to explain, but they just looked at me like I was talking nonsense or something.
"I am definitely not pretty and outgoing." She says and then laughs while shaking her head.
"Considering you talk to pretty much everyone here, I really rather not hear it," I say rolling my eyes, resting my chin on my arms.
"Whoa, what's with the sass!" she says, resting her hand over her heart, staring at me wide-eyed.
"Just forget it. I'm not going to explain this because you're not going to listen anyway." I say as I get up and leave the table full of shocked and confused faces.
As unhappy as I feel inside I don't want any unnecessary attention because people are wondering why I look so sad all the time. I have to cover it up, hide.
I walk down the school halls holding my head up with a forced smile. I smile at people when I make eye contact and keep it moving.
"Hey, what do we do in math?" my best friend asks, walking up to my locker.
I throw on a smile and reply, telling her about math class. She groans at hearing about the new assignment of the day. As I begin to walk away though she grabs my arm and so I turn towards her again.
"Is everything okay today?" she asks looking into my eyes waiting for me to lie to her and I do.
"Yeah, why wouldn't they be?" I smile again and walk away leaving her unconvinced and worried. She could always see through me, she was like my sister and I hated lying to her, but I couldn't tell her the truth, she and my family worry too much.
When smiling through the pain didn't work I found other ways to get everyone off my back.
"Dinner's ready!" my mom calls from the kitchen.
I ignore the call and burrow further into my bed under the multiple blankets in my bed. They are my protection from everything else. In my bed, in my room, I can almost pretend that time is standing still. It sometimes does feel that way until I realize that the sun from that morning is now gone and the light laminating my room is no longer sunlight, but only the light from the street lamps outside.
I hear a knock at my door. "Are you coming to eat?" my mom asks.
I slowly turn from the wall next to my bed. "No, I'm not hungry," I reply.
"Why not?"
"I got a headache."
"Oh, then take some pain killers." she suggested.
"I already did." I lied.
"Okay then." She leaves closing my door.
Everyone is giving up on me. I don't blame them. My best friend since 4th grade, my other sister hasn't talked to me in weeks. I have driven everyone away. I guess the only one still holding on is me now, I'm by myself.
Five Years Later
I made it through high school finally. My grades were good enough to get me enough scholarships to get into college almost free which was great. I'm visiting home for the summer and I am doing a lot better. I got some help with my, problem. I am coping with my feelings and I'm telling everyone I'm better I am showing them that I am better. I listen to my music and I write my stories. That's all I need. I'm fine.
"I'm glad you came back home." My mom says as she helps me bring my bags into my old room.
I came home for spring break instead of going out of town with my friends. I felt it would be better for me to spend time with my family because I have been distant this year.
"Me too! I, honestly, missed home." I tell her, starting to unpack my things. As I look around my room I notice that it looks exactly how I left it. Ever since I left home nothing has changed, almost as if I never left.
The white paint on the wall with every poster I had collected over the years looks dusty and aged. My old wooden bed still had the same spring mattress and dull bedspread and comforter. My desk sat in the corner by the window gathering dust as its paint chipped. The carpet was worn but plushy and soft and the bookshelf still held my various collections of books and novels. I remember spending countless hours in this room, all alone with my thoughts and my imagination. I miss home, very much actually.
"I told you you'd miss me." My mom said smiling and offered her arms for a hug.
I accepted the hug reveling in her warmth. "I really did miss you, mom," I said as tears gathered in my eyes. There's no place like home, right?

One year later
It wasn't what I expected, this new life I have I mean. There was no more pain, no sadness, and no fear. My nightmares have stopped and I have never felt anything like this. I felt beautiful. There was a sunset and it was beautiful. I sat on a wooden bench, which creaked under my weight, and just watched. I watched as everything that held me back before seemed to just vanish after so many years. It was like living in a dream and I felt like everything was going to be okay from now on. There were no worries and there was nothing to be afraid of. This was where I finally found peace. This was now my eternity.