“Belonging” - the feeling of security, sense of support or acceptance. Throughout my life, I have never exactly fit in. I was constantly changing myself or my appearance to feel like I am liked by others. I didn’t have many friends, and spent most of my time playing with my family, grandparents, or just alone. The emptiness of not having anyone haunted me. I did all the things normal kids my age did. I played soccer, basketball, and I was a good kid, yet somehow I struggled to make friends or ever have a best friend.

On the first day of kindergarten, I was very nervous. I was pretty shy until I knew someone, but here, I knew no one. I spent almost the whole day alone. When recess finally came, I decided that I would try to make a friend. I saw another girl on the playground who had the same Smurfs shirt on as me. I went up to her and happily said “We’re matching! I’m Peyton, what’s your name?”. She told me her name was Desiree, but before I could get out another word, she ran off with her other friends. I was upset and I didn’t understand why no one wanted to hang out with me. 

At five, I started playing soccer. My mom had played professionally, so I practically had no choice. I was never as good and will never be as good as she was. I enjoyed playing soccer because I got to have fun with other kids my age. Along with the fact that I loved the competitiveness of playing a sport. One of the girls on my team was named Macie. She had pretty blonde hair, she was cool, and she had bright pink cleats. Immediately, I became friends with Macie. Everything we did, we did together. If we needed partners, mine was Macie. If I got to pick who was on my team, I picked Macie. Until one day, another girl joined the team and suddenly all of the things that Macie and I did together, became things that Macie and the new girl did. I knew this feeling before and it made me upset because I still didn’t understand why I wasn’t enough and could easily be replaced. 

In middle school, I started hanging out with two girls who played soccer with me, during the previous season. Looking back, I should’ve understood that trios never work. I was the friend that was always left out of plans, the friend constantly talked about in secret, the friend that had to walk in the grass when the sidewalk wasn’t big enough for three. I would go home crying on nights that I spent with them because I felt so terrible, being the butt of the joke. Eventually, they stopped being my friend because I wasn’t popular enough. My mom asked ‘if they make you feel bad about yourself, and then why would you choose to be around people that make me feel inferior?’ The question made me feel confused. Mostly about myself and why I still cared about people who definitely were not worth my time.

The constant feeling of never fitting in was building up. I felt like I was annoying and weird. It was like no matter what I did, I would never have a real best friend. I longed for the feeling of someone who enjoyed being around me. I wanted someone who made it feel okay to be me. I wanted to share similarity in style, beliefs, and opinions with someone. Being lonely was my worst nightmare come to life. I started to become self conscious and depressed. It felt like there was something wrong with me. I was always missing out and was never invited to sleepovers, hangouts, or birthday parties.  

Finally, in my freshman year of high school, I met my best friend. Ronnie Butler was a name I had heard before. I first met Ronnie in a class we both were placed in. Ronnie and I are complete opposites. Ronnie is quiet and reserved, while I am outgoing and spontaneous. Ronnie’s favorite color is green and mine is yellow. He makes me believe that opposites attract. While we are so different, we are so alike, in so many ways. We both love going out and doing things together, we both love wrestling, and we have the exact same sense of humor. Ronnie seriously completes me, and he is the first real best friend that I’ve had. He never makes me feel less than worthy, or left out. Ronnie makes me feel loved, included, and listened to. There’s no one I’d rather spend my time with. I could never get bored of being with him. On days I spend just laying in bed or going out to see a movie, I want it to be with him. For the first time, I’ve felt like I’m someone’s first choice. Ronnie treats me better than anything I could’ve asked for. He does little things to show his love for me. For example, Ronnie orders for me in public because I get nervous, he will go to church with me, and he goes to family events that are important to me. 

I’ve prayed for someone like Ronnie to come into my life. He is my best friend, in boyfriend form. No matter what happens, I think that Ronnie and I will always be friends. Ronnie makes me feel like it’s okay to be myself, which no one has done before. I’m so grateful to have met someone who loves me as much as I love them. Even though I love him more, despite what he might think. Knowing how it feels to be on my own, has made me cherish every moment we spend together. I believe there is no better feeling than being embraced for who you are, and with Ronnie, I have that. Belonging- A word I used to be afraid of because I never felt like I would be accepted for myself. Ronnie makes me feel like I finally belong.